How to keep all of your New Year's resolutions

Admit it. Your batting average for New Year's resolutions leaves something to be desired. (Don't worry, mine does too.)

This is a widespread phenomenon, the unfulfilled New Year's resolution, causing much stress and guilt to innocent resolution-makers everywhere. I think I've kept one New Year's resolution so far, and that was to earn an amount of money that I later I realized I already had. Everything else -- be kind, eat more, learn Hindi -- have perished like my grades after buying Starcraft.

My goal, like yours, is to keep the New Year's resolutions I make. Therefore, I hereby resolve to make resolutions that I have already accomplished. 

Start a blog named "Catechu." Check. Write posts no one reads. Check. Buy a copy of The Wicker Man (2006) for $3.30 because it has that most sublime of actors, Nicolas Cage. Check.

I feel better already. With this resolution, I'm well on my way to moral excellence.